It’s not that monogamy is a problem. Kind of like the way strawberry ice cream is not a problem. Monogamy is wonderful to some people just as strawberry ice cream is wonderful to some people.
It’s being forced to eat strawberry ice cream that is a problem. No matter how wonderful monogamy is, it becomes a problem when it is compulsory because that “choice” is no longer a choice if it is the only option you were given.
Here’s the insidious part: nobody outright tells you that you are required to be monogamous. It’s not so black and white where you are all of a sudden banished to the woods if you decide not to be monogamous.
Instead, it’s the lack of questioning of monogamy that makes it feel like it is compulsory. Kind of like the way we’ve never questioned that we are supposed to make money and be promoted in the corporate world, for example, to feel successful. For some people, that route is completely acceptable. To others, something has always been off.
And when we begin to question the ways things have been off, we experience a very slow burn. One friend at a time starts talking to you less. One conversation at a time feels more uncomfortable. One family gathering at a time, you feel like you’re in the wrong place.
Slowly, but surely, it feels like you really are being banished to the woods. But nobody would actually admit it, so it starts to feel like gaslighting.
But life goes on, and at some point we stop questioning things and we take the easy route of doing whatever we’re “supposed” to do. That’s what happens in careers, businesses, relationships, racism, climate change, everything.
We don’t question. Because questions are hard.
So I’ve come up with a few questions to see where you’re at on how voluntary and how compulsory your subscription to monogamy has been, whether you’re partnered or not.
It’s basically a quiz, and quizzes are fun. Here we go:
1- If you are dating around without at least one partner right now, which thought do you identify with most?
A. It’s so exciting to meet so many people who inspire different parts of me.
B. Dating’s been fine, but I am getting exhausted.
C. I will never find the right person. I really need the next date to go well so I can get settled.
D. I trust that I am going to find the right person at the right time. If it doesn’t happen for me, I am fine with that, too. Loving more than one person at a time is not how I am wired.
2- When you think about dating in general, which thought do you identify with most?
A. I don’t really identify with the idea of red flags. I am either willing to hold our differences, or I’m not.
B. It’s just a lot of work, and I want to make it less annoying.
C. I dread going on dates. I am so sick of all these damn red flags. The dating pool is such trash.
D. It is wonderful to keep searching for that one person who will be my soulmate for the rest of my life.
3- If you are partnered but not yet married, which thought do you identify with most?
A. I really don’t understand the point of marriage. I love this person, and that is what matters.
B. I’m open to the idea of marriage, but I am not sure what needs to happen before I’m certain about it.
C. I am doing everything I can to make sure marriage is the next thing that happens, though I want it to happen organically of course.
D. I just love being with this person and this person only. It doesn’t sound like me at all to have any feelings for anybody else because my partner meets all of my needs.
4- How do you define love?
A. It is something that changes and evolves. At times it is beautiful. At times it is painful. At times it is both. Love is not something I can describe, but it is something I embody.
B. I am always discovering it for myself. I will always be in search for all the different ways I see love.
C. Love is the willingness to commit through the bad and the good and the ugly and everything in between.
D. Love is something I know when I see it. It may feel difficult, but for the most part it is effortless because it comes so naturally to me when I find the right person.
5- Which thought do you resonate with the most when you feel stuck in your marriage?
A. Time to ask ourselves some tough questions and have some difficult conversations around what we really want and how to get it.
B. My first go-to is to consider a divorce, but it just doesn’t feel entirely right because it breaks my heart even more to lose my spouse.
C. I need a divorce. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t think I can do marriage anymore.
D. We always work it out in some way because we prioritize each other above everything else.
6- How do you feel when you think about potentially losing your spouse if you open up your marriage?
A. If they end up leaving, or I end up leaving, it means that we are finding the path we are meant to travel because we honor each other’s agency. I will be sad, but sadness will not be in the driver’s seat when I am making decisions about our relationship.
B. I think I will be too sad to decide what I’m gonna do. I don’t really want to think about it, though I want to talk about it at some point because I know it’s important.
C. Absolutely not gonna happen. We can’t lose what we’ve built together. I’ve put in too much effort into this to lose it all.
D. It would be devastating, and it is probably not going to happen because opening up my marriage is just not within the realm of possibility for me or my partner.
7- How do you feel when you think about your partner developing relationships with other people?
A. It kind of sounds exciting to see them fill their vastness with as many people as possible meaningfully without the need for me to be more than what I already am.
B. I think there will be some jealousy and attachment stuff come up, and I am not ready to manage those experiences yet.
C. I know I will be jealous and anxious about them becoming intimate because it will feel like I am being pushed out. I don’t even want to think about it.
D. I won’t be able to recognize the person I met because I can only see myself falling for a monogamous partner who is committed to a monogamous relationship.
8- If someone were to suggest non-monogamy to you, how would you respond?
A. That sounds like a great idea. I know it’s gonna involve a lot of work, but I think it’s going to be worth it, especially if it is possible to love them more and be loved in different ways by different people.
B. That sounds like an idea I want to explore, but it does sound really hard and scary, and I am not sure if I want to go down that path at the moment.
C. I would probably be a little annoyed. I don’t really like change all that much.
D. I just truly cannot imagine my life without my spouse. I just really love them, I am happy to be here, and I don’t need anything else because they are the love of my life.
9- If your partner were to suggest non-monogamy to you, how would you respond?
A. I would be curious about how they arrived there and find out how I can hold space for the different thoughts and emotions that come up for us.
B. I would be anxious about all the ways I have not been showing up wrong in our marriage but would be curious to see how we can be better for each other.
C. I would be hurt because it would feel like I am not enough. I genuinely want to be everything I can be for them, and the fact that I am not enough for them really stings.
D. I would be surprised that my partner is suggesting this because I was very certain that we shared the same value of monogamy and that I was fulfilling all their needs.
10- How do you generally feel about non-monogamy?
A. I think it is the way things should be because it is at the root of decolonizing everything, and I’ll do whatever I need to do to participate in it.
B. It sounds like a good idea especially when it comes to decolonizing love, but it is not something I would personally be invested in at least right now.
C. It is a sin and a blasphemy. I am not interested in it in any capacity because that is not who I am, and I am not interested in exploring it because I am perfectly happy where I am. None of the issues I have result from my monogamous choices.
D. Again, it is something I don’t desire or am open to exploring because I am just so exquisitely happy in my monogamous orientation.
11- How do you feel about jealousy?
A. It is something that can be completely unwired, and even if I do feel jealousy after unwiring the feeling, I will know how to address it and harvest the necessary information from it.
B. It is not a feeling I am familiar with handling, and I wouldn’t go out of my way to experience it, but I am interested to see what it would tell me.
C. I am a very jealous person, and I hate the feeling. I would avoid it at all costs, and I’m fine with that.
D. It is something that happens from time to time, but it is not a big deal because we love each other and only each other so much.
I am so curious how you experienced this quiz. Here is a guide to help digest some of the answers you came to:
Mostly A’s: You are wired for non-monogamy. You love the idea of being able to connect with different people in ways that are new and interesting. You have a lot of sides to you that want to be seen by different people in different ways, and the work that goes into this exploration feels worth it.
Mostly B’s: You are curious about non-monogamy, and if you really want to get into it even though you’re not so familiar with it, this is a great place to be. You may have monogamous wiring somewhere in there, but there is a part of you that wonders if monogamy is really the right way to operate. There is also a part of you that questions the whole institution of marriage as limiting in some way.
Mostly C’s: You are conditioned to operate under monogamy, especially because you feel like it is the “right” thing to do. So it may feel very uncomfortable making any sort of departure from what you have believed is the right thing to do for the longest time. This is not a good or bad thing. It is simply where you are, and where you go from here entirely depends on where you want to go.
Mostly D’s: Right now, you are very much committed to monogamy because it is how you are wired through and through. Because non-monogamy is such a foreign concept that has no relevance to your life, it is probably not within the horizon unless something unprecedented happens. But if you do desire to question monogamy at any point, that path is available to you because you are okay with monogamy coexisting with non-monogamy.
What to do with these results
This is just one quiz that is made by one person (me), which means that you make this mean whatever you want it to mean. Maybe it doesn’t amount to anything substantial right now. Maybe it feels like the signal you were looking for to start inquiring about what non-monogamy looks like or how you can address some of the hurdles you’re experiencing in your relationship, whether it’s monogamous or not.
Here are some questions you can ask on your own to glean some answers you may be looking for for yourself:
Why is monogamy or non-monogamy important to me? What does each relationship orientation do for me?
How does any form of relationship orientation suppress my own agency and desire, if at all? How does it support my own agency and desire, if at all?
What am I requiring from myself in pursuit of subscribing to a particular relationship orientation?
What am I most afraid to lose by subscribing to or unsubscribing from a particular form of relationship orientation?
How much do I trust myself to be able to handle any uncomfortable experiences that result from any loss or pain that results from practicing a particular type of relationship orientation? What am I willing to experience the uncomfortable experiences for?
Is there a kind of love that I envision for myself or finding myself dreaming about that a particular form of relationship orientation may facilitate with?
What kind of expectations do I have in the relationships I have in my life in general that keep me from experiencing my own freedom?
If I were allowed to want what I want, what would I declare that I want?
There are no right or wrong answers.
There is no timeline.
There is no urgency.
Only you and your answers.
What do you want to do with your answers?
**
Y’all, I’m telling you. Whether you are feeling entirely stuck in your marriage, or whether you’re really interested in opening up your marriage, or whether you want more real friends who can support you through all this guilt and shame around what you really want in your relationships, I got you.
(It doesn’t matter if you are monogamous or non-monogamous. What matter is that you are a human being trying to navigate whatever relationship you are interested in right now.)
I call myself a peer, which is basically a paid friend. 🤣 All my clients love calling me a paid friend because that is what I do. I will be the friend you never had because I pick up the responsibility of actually listening to what you are saying without judgment and the experience to ask you the kind of questions that will make your path SO clear.
Whether it’s in your relationships, career, business, whatever. Though I would say that whatever you are trying to do outside the house begins with getting your house in order first. Get your ass on my calendar: angelahan.as.me. It will be the best $65-95 you’ve spent to know exactly what you want and how to get after it.
No more struggling to communicate, no more hiding behind busyness, no more pretending that everything is okay.
Instead, you’re gonna know exactly what to say, how to prepare for difficult conversations, and build sustainable relationships that you can actually rely on.
Decolonizing your life begins with decolonizing your relationships.