Crafting the most magnificent sexual experience
Mind blowing sex doesn't have to feel so out of reach.
I simply have one declaration and one thought that I invite you to consider.
Declaration: I have no expectation from myself or from the other person(s).
Thought: There is nothing more important than my own pleasure right now, and “pleasure” can mean anything.
Let’s start with the declaration.
Here is how I define expectation: needing the other person to perform in a particular way so that we can think and feel in a particular way.
Here are some examples of expectations we have going into sex:
I need to climax. (So that I can feel like this time was worth it.)
My partner(s) need to climax. (So that I can feel like I did what I was supposed to do.)
I need to climax first. (So that my needs are met after not being met for so long.)
They need to climax first. (So that they don’t complain about it later.)
Sex needs to take a particular length of time. (So that I can get back to work.)
I need to feel a certain way at certain times throughout our sexual experience. (So that I feel like I am doing the right thing.)
What if we were to discard all of it?
What if there was no right or wrong outcome of our decision to enter into a sexual experience?
What if we went to each experience wondering, “I wonder how I’ll get to connect with this person in this particular encounter”?
What if sex was simply one way to connect with someone you feel drawn to or care about or are curious about?
There are no rules here. When there are no rules, we get to craft an experience that exists outside any expectation that we’ve held. Which means we get to experience things outside what we’ve been taught to imagine and believe.
Hence, “mind blowing” sex.
Now, onto the thought: There is nothing more important than my own pleasure right now.
If you think about it, there are so many rules around what pleasure ought to look like. Here’s quick exercise: When you think of an image of someone experiencing pleasure, what do they look like?
What does their hair look like?
What does their body look like?
What does their facial expression look like?
And finally, does this person look anything like you?
I don’t know about you, but when I did this exercise myself right now, I thought of someone with long, wavy hair with a Marilyn Monroe body with the facial expression of someone getting eaten out.
Maybe I identify with getting eaten out, but I do not identify with the other stuff. I don’t have a Marilyn Monroe body, nor do I have long, wavy hair. So many times, I have felt the pressure to climax because I thought that was what pleasure needed to look like for me. I adopted the idea that pleasure should look only like climaxing the way it conventionally is for women who have been widely and culturally been accepted to be “beautiful.” This was a narrative that I adopted.
It was almost like, “If I want to be beautiful, I should experience pleasure the way they do.”
I put this out into the world so that it may no longer have power over me.
I declare that the way I see pleasure is different from other people. Yes, it includes getting eaten out, but it also involves other very nourishing activities like the following:
Making eye contact with the person I am giving head to
Laughing my ass off with the person I’m with, naked
Saying whatever sweet things that come to mind while cuddling
Saying whatever gross thing that comes to mind while cuddling
Inquiring about their humanity with the most random and ridiculous questions I can think of while we’re lying naked next to each other
Running my fingers through their hair and body to admire the roughness and smoothness of their texture
Interlocking fingers with their big ass hands
That’s what I can think of at the moment. The richness and spectrum of the kinds of pleasure I experience connecting with another human being knows no end.
I am the only person who gets to decide what pleasure looks like for me.
What does pleasure look like for you?
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I only talked about sexual pleasure with another partner in this particular piece, but I think the ideas apply even if it is in any other sexual setting. Even when you are alone, how do these ideas apply?
I don’t want to make magnificent sex complicated. We’re not about to engage in a fucking intellectual exercise when we’re just trying to enjoy ourselves.
Ultimately, the question I want to ask you is: what do I want this to look like, if there were no rules?
That is all.
Because, without your pleasure, there is no you.
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You can find more of me at angela-han.com. This is where you can find out how to work with me so that you no longer have to feel shame around how you feel during sex or when you’re trying to relate to the people you care about.