Yesterday, I went out with the most gorgeous man I have ever laid eyes on.
But before we met, we got on the same page about what this time was going to be about. I said I want to know him as a human being without needing anything else, and he agreed. Making it an official date felt like adding unnecessary drama around what it had to look like.
But secretly, I was like, I am certain I will develop butterflies because, at first glance, how the actual bananas am I gonna NOT want to just gobble him up?
And during our time together, he almost made me speechless. He was so aware of his emotions, his privileges, and his insecurities. There was nothing but compassion and respect I felt in his presence.
We spent hours relating and laughing. What a full fucking package. (Not to objectify him, but…holy shit.)
And so I waited for the butterflies.
They never showed.
For a moment, I felt a twinge of shame.
“You are joking, right?”
“Why are your standards so high?”
“Do you realize what you are doing?”
“What is wrong with you?”
“Maybe you’re hungry. You just need some food and then you’ll get your act together.” 😂
Does that voice sound familiar?
It’s the voice of misogyny.
The voice that says your desires don’t matter. Tries to gaslight you into thinking that what you want or don’t want right now is not real. Tells you that there is a certain way and a certain timeline by which you need to feel things. Compels you to shame your feelings so that you may suppress them.
So it took me a full day to recognize what was going on because I took that time telling shame to excuse itself so that I can see the truth. I arrived at the following conclusions:
First, I subconsciously drew a very firm emotional line and focused on establishing this friendship because I did not want to be rejected.
Here I was, thinking that I made it a non-date because I was such a ~chill~ woman who comes with *no strings attached* and just wanted to relate to him at the human level. Well, that was true, but it still coexisted with the fear of rejection.
I had also thought that I was pretty competent with rejection, but the truth is, even if I am the most competent at experiencing rejection, I will never be free of the fear of rejection because I am hard wired to be that way. Otherwise it wouldn’t be human.
Second - oh god, this is embarrassing for some reason - I was afraid of moving forward with Mr. Gorgeous Man because I was afraid that my other crush, if he sees that I am developing a relationship with someone else, might think that I won’t have space for him.
(I think I’m embarrassed because I feel like such a high school kid, and I FOR SURE feel butterflies with my crush, which causes my brain to stop working and my body to flare up in random ways.)
Anyway, I was still operating under a monogamous and binary belief that there is a limitation to how much love I can give and receive.
I texted my bestie, who is experienced being poly, and she responded, “You beautiful little baby shark, that is such an internalized (and normal) belief in binary and enough-ness. Your subconscious doesn’t know that it’s safe to have all of these things. Your understanding and devoted husband, a sexy and enlightened snack of a man, AND your crush who adores you and fears you. But you are magnificent and have room for that AND more (if you so choose).”
(She didn’t say “you beautiful little baby shark.” I added for editorial purposes.
And, we don’t know if my crush adores me and fears me. This is all made up for the sole purpose of making me happy.)
But she was so right. I am still processing the concept that that it is possible to have all of this. I mean, I literally just started on my poly journey. I can’t expect myself to have completely decolonized my heart. You know?
The reason I know that I am on the right track is that I feel like I belong. Even with the turbulence of emotions and shame that I am now being forced to process, this feels like home. (It’s almost as if my bipolar disorder prepared me for this. I almost want to give my bipolar a high five.)
I feel like I belong because I can finally hear my heart beat. Sometimes it is so unnaturally fast, and sometimes it is slow and steady, but I can finally hear it. I can witness my aliveness because I am no longer distracted by what I am “supposed” to be doing.
I share all of this to say: where there is shame, there is gold. (Gold, meaning what you really want and where you really want to go.)
Sometimes, I evict shame so that I can see the gold. Sometimes, I hold the shame because it just feels more natural to hold it than let it go. I do whatever feels true to me, and the shame naturally dissipates on its own timeline.
I invite you to pay attention to what comes up as shame moves through your body. Here are some questions to consider as you excavate the gold:
What is the rule or standard that I think I am not following that is prompting shame to show up? Am I available to challenge this rule?
If I trusted that there is an intelligence (term I learned from a teacher, David Bedrick) in whatever I am feeling, what is the truth that shame is trying to hide from me?
If I made this excavation of gold fun and light-hearted instead of a serious quest of “self-discovery,” what would I first get curious about?
What does this shame tell me about what I really care about? How can I find safety to care about these things?
Back to Mr. Gorgeous Man. The reality is, I only spent a few hours with him. I plan to spend more time with him, again, as human beings, if he will have me. I really am a fan of this idea that we all hang out without being so label-y about everything.
The truth that feels most obvious to me, in conjunction with all of the above, is that I am really good at following my body. I trust that my body never lies. I am capable of holding the paradox that I feel shame while I feel pride at the same time.
Everything that you were told is wrong with you - I dare say it is the most essential part of you. It is often a portal to your aliveness. And the great news is that there are endless portals for us to experience, so we will never get bored knowing more parts of ourselves.
The question is, how do you feel about all the gold and goodies you will find?
PS - Shoutout to Mr. Gorgeous Man for reviewing the first draft of this piece and offering super insightful edits so I could make it into something even more real. I really hope I fall in love with him, and I hope he doesn’t reject me. Just kidding.
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If you honestly feel like you’ve never met anyone as real, raw, and funny as I am, you should meet with me in person. I mean Zoom. I will even facilitate with finding all the gold and goodies we just talked about. Find out how to work with me here: angela-han.com