Back in July of this year, I was telling my teacher Simone Seol, “There is this Asian creator on Instagram (@polyamorouswhileasian) that inspires the fuck out of me. She posted a photo of cake on her butt, and I aspire to be on her level.”
Simone asked, “What’s stopping you?”
I did not have an answer.
Well, now I have one: I felt safer with the false paradigms around what I ought to do and be as I move through the world.
At that time, I agreed with the following statements:
Showing your body’s not gonna do anything.
You’re just seeking attention that advances no real cause.
It is so unnecessary.
Who are you trying to impress? Are you that insecure?
There is nothing about your body that is worthy of sharing.
You’re gonna lose people, and that’s bad.
You’re embarrassing yourself and the people you care about.
Not anymore.
What’s wild is that I thought that I needed to do all the work of unwiring these conditioned thoughts ALL by MYSELF.
Not true.
Over the past several weeks, I’ve gotten to connect with people in the poly community all over the world and have discussions around our sexuality and attraction. I was exposed to and witnessed in the ways I’ve been conditioned to have certain beliefs around what sexuality and attraction means.
I’ve also never had multiple men tell me with such sincerity (outside of my marriage) how hot I am. I was conditioned to refuse these compliments because I believed it meant something bad about me. For example, I believed that if I am hot, then I must be deficient in some other way.
As a result of such intense and intentional community care, I began building capacity for looking at my body exactly as it is: a stunning work of art.
And the thing about art is that the beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The question was never “Am I objectively beautiful?” but “How do I find myself beautiful?”
It took a minute to digest that and really embody it. Because, for a while, the idea that I was beautiful really just stayed in my head. And of course, that work is ongoing and will always be.
That is why it felt incongruent for me to express my body in this way. There was very little part of me that found my body worthy of sharing and expressing.
Now I am growing that capacity. Even if it means losing people that are actually offended by my sexuality. In fact, losing people means that I am doing it right because it means I am subverting expectations around how I ought to “behave” in this world.
So here they are. Photos by a wonderful and beautiful bestie that shall remain anonymous. Also big thanks to the people that I am now finally congruently surrounding myself with. The people who hold space for who I am so exquisitely. They are always walking with me in raising the standards of human existence and interaction. God I love you all so much.
I posted some of these on IG (@itsangelahan) and here was my caption:
Every time a woman feels comfortable in her own skin and body, oppressive systems lose a tooth.
If you feel uncomfortable with these photos, whatever reason you are looking for to diminish my expression, that is the sound of the colonizing parts of you melting away.
Because I am still gonna be here. Existing. Expressing.
I am in rage of all the ways I have been silenced. I am in rage with MYSELF for forcing myself to follow imaginary rules. My rage shows up differently each day, and today I choose to show up with my body.
My existence is resistance.
(Also, additional props to me for taking these photos after a big ass fucking meal, especially in a culture where people talk about how little they ate to prepare for photo shoots. Nope.)
I am only available for those who fully and unequivocally accept me for who I am and how I want to express myself.
Will you join me in doing the same?
**
You can find more of me at angela-han.com.
Beautiful. In all ways.
Congratulations on going for it and expressing yourself in your way! The Christmas lights are a really interesting idea :D. I am enjoying your writing of course too. I will support you as you share your unique evolution into your highest Self.