We’ve had a fair share of ruptures and repair over the past 6 months or so after I came out as polyamorous earlier this year. He has been more reserved about sharing his side of the story until recently, when he turned a leaf and became more open about sharing his truth. He agreed to sit down and answer some questions, and I am so proud and grateful for everything he is.
Upon Dan’s request, there is a paywall starting from the part of our conversation down the line where we start talking about more sexually explicit information.
Here we go.
Q: What was it like when Angela came out as polyamorous?
A: In a word, devastating. I was very much subscribed to the relationship escalator idea of compulsory monogamy. I had made my entire identity about being a good monogamous partner. I had a series of life goals that directly anchored itself to the success of my monogamous marriage, and it just kind of shattered.
Q: So then what did you do?
A: Lashed out. A lot. Not proud of it. I was letting my hurt do the talking. It’s not that I didn’t understand polyamory. I really like the idea of it, even before fully embracing it, because I had been exposed to it in science fiction. I think my hurt was stemming from feeling like my entire life goals and aspirations were nullified and I had to start completely from scratch. And that is exactly what I did. I started from scratch.
Q: What did “starting from scratch” look like?
A: I had to look at every single intense emotional trigger that I felt towards each aspect of the monogamous relationship that we lost. If I felt anxious about multiple partners, why was that? If I felt upset that an action wasn’t “for the family,” why was that? If I felt nervous or scared for the future, why was that? And I have to say that you were a huge part of the reason we were successful because you held space for my very imperfect way of addressing those questions, and ultimately we were able to lay the foundation for our new marriage. The boundaries around family and health and security. Really looking at what our marriage meant to each of us, not what society told us it meant. And this was the first step towards disentanglement.
(Dan: Are my answers too long?
Me: No, your answers are perfect. I love you.)
Q: What do you mean by disentanglement? I know you’ve been referring to this word quite a lot recently.
A: Disentanglement, my understanding of it, is the undoing of a toxic dynamic where you lose your own identity and your partner loses their identity in service of “the marriage” or “the family.” We stop being individuals and become appendages to a Cronenberg-esque horror that we call compulsory monogamy. Disentanglement, simply put, is the undoing of that. And reclaiming our autonomy and personhood is to reject what society has force fed us since childhood about what a successful relationship looks like. It is getting off the relationship escalator and taking a walk in the woods hand in hand with someone you love deeply.
Q: What would you say to people who are thinking, oh shit, am I doing marriage wrong right now? Do I need to be polyamorous?
A: That’s a damn good question. I’m going to preface this by saying, no relatinoship will ever feel “right.” And there is no such thing as “a more correct way” of having a relationship. There is nothing inherently wrong with a monogamous marriage. In the same way there is nothing wrong with polyamory. There is also nothing wrong with serial monogamy. At the end of the day, it’s not about whether you’re doing something right or wrong by someone else’s standards. It’s about whether or not you feel safe at home.
Q: If we are feeling “off” in our marriage in some ways but still love our partner so deeply, what are some questions we could ask ourselves to redirect our partnership and marriage?
A: That’s another excellent question. And I think that you are the living embodiment of this answer. I think that it takes a lot of hard work to gaze inward and identify specifically where you feel like you’ve denied yourself. Because that feeling of something being off, especially if it is chronic and persistent, is a very important message from your body saying that it is an extremely important, if not primal, need that you are shoving down, for one reason or another. I don’t think there is a single right way of identifying what parts of you are being suppressed. What I can say is that it is always worthwhile doing that work, especially if it feels like something has been off for years.
Q: So I came out to you around May of this year, and then I came out to the world in September. How was that experience for you, watching me share so publicly about this part of myself?
A: It was scary. The cultural zeitgeist currently views polyamory as an aberrant behavior instead of a legitimate identity or lifestyle. Society, by and large, has an overtly hostile reaction to polyamory. My mind was racing about how that would impact me and my career and the kids. Whether they were going to be ridiculed for this later down the road or not. Just generally speaking, it didn’t feel safe.
Q: Where you now about my outspokenness on this matter?
A: Well if I really am concerned about how safe I feel and how safe the kids are gonna feel, it only makes sense to support your advocacy of polyamory. Right now, there are not enough voices normalizing polyamory, and instead there is a deluge of Hollywood media and song lyrics that continue to shove a compulsory monogamous agenda down everybody’s throats. If that status quo is gonna change, it’s only because of the work of people like you.
Q: Even if it means it might endanger the social safety net of our children?
A: Given a historical perspective of the way society has changed over the past couple of decades, I am optimistic that in spite of hostility, we will always be able to find allies and support systems to minimize that harm. After all, if LGBTQ+ advocates remain silent for the sake of safety, where would we be today?
Q: What have you noticed about the way you have changed in the way you interact with me?
A: Disentanglement has allowed me to see your actions for what they are. Instead of taking things personally because they weren’t in service to “the family” or “the marriage,” I can appreciate how you still hold so much love for our kids and for me in everything that you do outside the societal standards of what a “normal marriage” looks like. And when I stop taking things personally, my mind isn’t clouded by overwhelming emotion, which is always nice. All in all, I feel really close to you because we’re doing this truly for each other and not so that we can fit into a box.
Q: What are some challenges that you face in this transition, if at all, at this time?
A: The biggest challenge is the general feeling of uncertainty. We are both blazing completely new trails. We are both trekking unchartered territory. As exciting as that is, it is also terrifying. But I couldn’t think of anyone else I would rather do it with.
Q: How has it been like dating? How long has it been?
A: I put myself out there about two weeks ago. There was definitely a pretty big learning curve and I think I can speak for the vast majority of people when I say that online dating kind of sucks ass. I get to witness the challenges that you face trying to find a needle in a stack of needles. I’ve got sort of an inverse of that problem where I feel like I am a toxic asset. “Danger, danger, nuclear waste. He is male and he is poly, he is a scumbag. How can he put his wife through this, he’s a pig.” I even had one person match with me just to tell me off. Clearly didn’t read my profile and assumed that I was on here just to sleep around at your expense. But the connections I have made during the short period of time have been really nice. So I am tentatively optimistic. At the end of the day, this is less about getting physical and more about making real, genuine connections with allies and open minded people to be seen and to be able to see someone else fully and completely, and that makes it all the worthwhile.
Q: Have you had some connections that you are really fired up about? Tell us about them.
A: Yeah, I have one. She is awesome. I feel safe around her. I feel appreciated. I feel desired. I feel happy. And my capacity for love for all people feels like is growing.
Q: Do you ever worry about me getting jealous or you getting jealous of these amazing connections that we each are building in conjunction with our marriage?
A: I think jealousy is a symptom of something else. Where there is jealousy, it’s worth investigating the root cause of it and holding space for that. So far, there hasn’t been any jealousy, but I don’t want to say that there never will be, either. I think it’s a question of whether or not we can effectively communicate the feeling, investigate why the feeling might be emerging, and lovingly resolve that issue. Jealousy in and of itself is not the issue. It’s whether or not we feel seen and heard the way we want to feel seen and heard.