What my marriage is really like

I don't think I ever really told you. Let me spill the beans.

Let me start with an example.

Yesterday morning, I told Dan about a decision I had made. He was disappointed and frustrated about it. (It was understandable it because my decision affected both of us, and I didn’t like my decision either.)

A year ago, I would have wanted to make all his uncomfortable feelings go away. I would have said something like, “What if I did this? What if I did that? Would that make you feel better?”

Or, I would’ve rushed to say sorry profusely before I even got a chance to process what I was apologizing for.

Or, I would have offered up my body for sex so that I can facilitate an experience of pleasure to “cover up” or “make up” for the experience of uncomfortable emotions.

Or, I would have gotten frustrated with him because I felt powerless for not being able to make him feel better.

This all assumes that his feelings are a problem.

It’s not. Feelings are part of our humanity, and we are allowed to feel frustrated and disappointed.

In that moment when Dan was experiencing his frustration and disappointment, I sat with him. I decided to regard his experience, meaning, I was present with those emotions without needing them to be different.

I was present with him without needing him to be different.

Listen, I’m not gonna lie - it was a long ass two whole minutes. I noticed all the whirling desires within my chest wanting to jump out and start the conversation first.

But I waited. I practiced care by witnessing his humanity first before tending to my desperation.

During those two minutes, I also got a chance to see the gravity of how much my decision affected him and ask myself how I wanted to regard his humanity more effectively in my decisions moving forward.

So when he appeared to be prepared to talk again, I was able to speak with congruence. Meaning, what I was telling him was a true reflection of what was going on inside of me.

I said to him, “I know that this was not a decision that served either one of us, and I am sorry that it affected you this way. If and when you are available, I would love to relate to you on how I can exercise care more effectively. I love you.”

Way too often in conflict, we attempt to fix because we think that our humanity is a problem.

But our humanity is not a problem, and conflict is a place we get to experience the most uncomfortable emotions that tell us where we want to go.

Our capacity to hold space for our uncomfortable emotions is directly proportional to how much capacity we have to talk about what is really going on behind those emotions.

So every time we have a conflict, we see it as an opportunity to expand our capacity to relate and regard one another. This translates to our capacity for other people as well.

*Now, this doesn’t mean that we automatically have massive capacity to relate to everybody and everyone. It just means that we are aware of our capacity and expand it at our own pace.

Because of our foundational ability to regard one another’s experiences without taking responsibility for them without consent, here are five key ways our skills manifest in our marriage:

1- We never argue about how we want to be more loved by each other.

For years, we would have endless requirements of one another. I would require that he want to spend more time with me than with his video games. He would require that I put the dishes away the way he wanted.

But it was never about the video games or the dishes. It was about our aching desire to be loved by one another. We kept looking for evidence that we were in partnership. That resulted in assigning responsibility to the other for our feelings around how much we felt loved.

This was a fruitless pursuit.

Now, we don’t get resentful of how much time or energy or effort we put in for the other because I already know how much I love him, and he knows how much he loves me. It is uninteresting to debate this.

The way we got here is that we transitioned out of needing to be anything for each other and into honoring one another as infinite beings with so many parts to them that are interesting to know and explore.

(We do, however, argue passionately about each others’ music choices and volume. We also sometimes argue about driving because he appears to be under the delusion that he is a better driver than me. Just kidding. He actually is a much better driver. Anyway, none of it has to do with whether we feel sufficiently loved by the other.)

2- We are always prepared to have on-the-spot disagreements without getting heated.

For years, we were afraid to disagree with one another because we thought that it meant something was wrong with one of us.

Now, we don’t find disagreements so scary because we don’t take disagreements personally. We know that our disagreements have nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with ourselves.

We have disagreements around values and logistical matters, like how to parent, how to handle dinner, and how to spend our money. We are prepared to have those discussions as they come up because it is also another opportunity to see what the other person is really like, and we get to love one another more deeply in our differences.

3- If we don’t have capacity to handle disagreements on the spot, we find a way to have a discussion at a designated time.

Oftentimes things get busy because we take turns going on dates, have two kids, and generally have fires come up left and right by virtue of being human beings on this planet.

But we don’t let our disagreements get lost in the shuffle. We prioritize handling that because the way we handle conflict now informs how we handle conflict in the future.

We have a whole system. Part of it is called “Dangela Time.” 🤣 It’s a weekly dinner date + time to look at any unresolved disagreements we’ve had over the week.

Another part of it is that, if one of us brings up an issue, and the other person does not have capacity, the person without capacity takes the initiative to communicate first when they are available for it.

Before, we would typically shove things under the rug and kind of wait around until the other person brought it up and would get offended that the other person was not bringing up the issue first. We decided to stop playing games and actually communicate our needs and desires as they come up.

4- We tell the truth, no matter what. Even if it might hurt.

I keep remembering what a monogamous friend said to me once: “When you are monogamous, you often hide what is really going on.”

This is not true for everyone, but this was true for us in many ways because we were terrified of losing one another when the other person saw how fucked up we were. This was not sustainable because (1) we presumed what was and wasn’t fucked up in the other person’s eyes, and (2) we presumed how much capacity the other person had to relate through our differences.

We were not transparent about what was really going on and how we were going to actually relate through those differences.

This is no longer the case in our marriage. Ever.

Even at the end of a tired day, even if we have some unresolved issues, we tell each other where we are at.

“I don’t have capacity for this discussion right now.”

“I am feeling a little resentful about your decision.”

“This is hurtful and disappointing for me.”

We put all our truths on the table and decide together how to relate through them. This is essential to building trust because we rarely encounter surprises or explosions anymore. We don’t suppress or silence. We express our truths as they are right now.

This leaves so much room to delight in each other’s presence because nothing is left to guesswork.

5- We have no expectations or requirements of one another.

We find that our only job is to honor each other as they are and revel at the uniqueness of who they are. We don’t find a point in doing anything else.

Even when we draw boundaries, we don’t require the other person to meet them. We state our boundaries and trust ourselves to handle any breach as it comes up. Because we’re human, we will make mistakes.

We have this arrangement even if it means we experience hurt and even if it means we arrive at irreparable incompatibility because in the end, we have no ownership over the other. The present moment is the only chance we get to love one another fully, and we cannot do that competently if we have requirements and conditions for the other to be in the relationship.

That allows space for us to commit to those boundaries even more because the lack of expectations reflects the way we love each other without condition.

I get to say that our love is powerful, sustainable, and safe and actually mean it.

***

The way we relate doesn’t guarantee that we stay together forever because skillful relating doesn’t account for changing preferences, beliefs, desires, and capacity. But it makes the relationship much easier to maintain for as long as we are in love.

Therein lies fertile ground for us to build relating skills that we can apply to any other relationship with those we care about.

And here’s the incredible news that helped me tremendously when we opened up our marriage: Only one of us had to be skilled and practice those skills for the other person to pick up the same skills.

Neither one of us was skilled a year ago. 

Only one person has to know how to relate first so that both people can relate together.

It’s kind of like you drawing up some tea and bringing two cups to the table so you can enjoy together the tea you made.

When we engage in skillful relating, we are no longer frozen in fear in the face of differences and getting what you want.

Whether it’s opening up your marriage.

Whether it’s opening up conversation about your disagreements in parenting.

Whether it’s opening up conversation about sex for the first time ever.

Whether it’s opening up conversation about how much you are hurting.

Skillful relating gives you what you actually want in your relationship: a loving partnership through your differences so that you can both get what you want.

You can pick up those skills and practice them in The Opener. This is a Discord community where I teach everything you need to know so that people around you won’t just say that they love you but will actually know how to love you.

Bring your specific relationship issues and we problem solve together.

$100 for lifetime access: angela-han.com/opener