Note: Some graphic language ahead.
I met this guy. We’ll call him Mr. Android because he uses a fucking android phone, which means I cannot FaceTime him.
Anyway.
I met him at local poly meetup, where my peers advised that I go in with no agenda except to learn and connect. That is what I did.
When I first saw him, I immediately dismissed the guy. He was giving off serious “corporate bro” vibes, and I get triggered by that shit. All those times when the corporate bros needed things “by EOD” and “just checking in” every 5 minutes when I used to be a lawyer?
Nope.
And he wasn’t even that cute. 😂 So I was like, whatever. But we were two of the newbies there along with a couple others, so we formed a group chat and ended up meeting for drinks the following week.
Afterwards, I had asked the others to hang individually with me because I love connecting with people 1:1. I did the same with Mr. Android, asking him out on a “human date” with no particular designs because he seemed pretty cool and generally harmless. He said he would get back to me when he returns from a work trip.
I kind of forgot about him.
And then he messaged me: “Hey, the work portion of my trip is over. I’ll be free for the next 6 hours if you want to talk about a human date?”
I didn’t know why at first, but I laughed. I was like, uh, who talks like this?
And then it dawned on me, he would probably not talk to me like this unless he was really looking forward to meeting with me. So I called him, also because I was driving.
It was the most confusing and delightful 7 minutes. He sounded so nervous. He kept saying “never mind” and saying very simple things in the most complicated ways. It felt like I got to see him in a vulnerable and raw state in a way that he could not control.
I felt like I saw the real him, the human. Something quite rare in this world. And the realness of his nervousness made me feel…powerful and adored.
That somehow got all my juices flowing, and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I had spoken to him on a Friday, and we had planned to meet the following Friday.
I was counting down the SECONDS.
And then he messaged me on Wednesday: “This has become a long week.”
That feeling of mutual desire? It’s intoxicating.
We met up that night and we made out and got very handsy. He was even more than what I wanted him to be. He just reveled in my presence, and he received all my outrageousness. He wasn’t phased by the weird shit I had to say, but not in a way that was passive or manufactured.
Most importantly, he honored the cadence at which I wanted to relate to him. Meaning, I felt in my body that he wanted to really know me before we became physical.
That was…so…hot. I hated how respectful he was to me. It just made me want him more.
And then we met as planned on Friday. I was so excited to get my pussy reamed. By him.
(On a side note: You know I didn’t get into polyamory for the sex. I got into it because that is just how I am wired. I am wired to be free and decolonized. But here we are, my body speaking up for herself in what she wants now that she’s met her match.)
But he told me at the top of the conversation that he would probably not be able to spend the night because he needed to get his house in order.
He was married, and they had opened up their relationship, but they had not yet gotten on the same page around the specific terms. He had not realized he would meet someone so quickly, and they did not have a chance to discuss what that looked like for their marriage.
Y’all. I had packed a fucking bag and everything. 😂
Of course I was disappointed. But this is the name of the game. Inherent in every relationship, especially in the practice of non-monogamy where you are managing multiple relationships, we are required to do a LOT of work of addressing emotions that will hit you out of nowhere.
So I told him that I had no expectations. And it was true. Every relationship I build is a chance to deprogram myself from the concept of requiring anything from the other person. One big reason I was able to open up my own marriage successfully was that I embodied the idea that my husband Dan didn’t owe me anything, and I didn’t owe him anything. When we accepted that to be true, we became free to love each other on our own terms.
And I was also familiar with the depth and breadth of work required to get your house in order because that took me months to really hold space for not only my emotions but also Dan’s emotions around the paradigms we were subscribed to and what that meant for us.
So I shelved my sense of disappointment for the moment, also because I wanted to make the most out of the limited time I had with him.
The next day, I got a chance to really sit with my disappointment. My immediate reaction was to protect myself from even more disappointment, so I set a boundary with Mr. Android. I told him that I would cool off from anything flirtatious or sexual. He honored it.
In the silence that followed, I smelled a twinge of incongruence brewing in my body. What was that all about?
When I drew that boundary to protect myself, I did so out of lack of trust in myself to be capable of handling my own emotions.
I was acting out of the programmed belief that I need to avoid uncomfortable emotions when, in fact, those are the exact emotions that I am very skilled at experiencing and also tell me more about what I really want.
That was not congruent with my commitment to taking responsibility for my own emotions.
So I changed my mind and told him that I will say and do whatever I want, request whatever I want, and I trust his ability to respond however he wants. And if that means I get heartbroken and disappointed along the way, at least I will have remained faithful to my own desires. My own agency.
He honored that, too. And he remained steadfast. That didn’t change the fact that he was still working on the terms of his open marriage at his own pace and remained excited about me.
(Which really goes to show, you cannot control how others feel. You cannot manipulate other people to do what you want no matter what you do. So might as well stay true to what you want and execute on it.)
So now I finally felt congruent, but I was still feeling super impatient. And annoyed. There was a part of me that was like, what the fuck man, I didn’t even DREAM of opening up my marriage until Dan and I were on the exact same page. There is no excuse, and this is not fair.
My brain was coming up with all kinds of reasons to hate on Mr. Android.
But my body resisted. It was like she was telling me, “We’re gonna stay right here. It feels right, and we’re gonna wait. It feels like home here.”
And…she was ALSO telling me, “What’s stopping you from getting your juices flowing elsewhere?” There was a part of me that wondered, “Well maybe I can replicate this feeling with other delicious men.”
So I went on to rage-swipe on Bumble, and let me be braggadocious and pretentious for a second. I uploaded some shitty ass photos of me, and I got over 200+ people swiping right on me within a couple days. If that doesn’t masturbate my ego like a motherfucker…
Anyway, I found a few people to talk to and got some dates on the books. I had sex with a few of them. And let me tell you, I am officially an ordained slut, my friends.
Which brings me to an important side note: Why is slut shaming a thing? I have literally no problem being a slut because, uh, I get to enjoy myself? Like, why is it the worst thing in the world to have insanely delicious men devour you and make you feel wanted? Why is it a terrible thing to want to feel wanted?
This whole slut shaming culture is hilarious to me.
And even if they don’t want to hang out with me anymore after, at least I had an excellent time, and I got to taste some dick. Why that is a problem is truly beyond me.
At the same time, it’s kind of like going to a candy store. Everything is yummy, and the dopamine levels are through the roof. But after a while, you need a break and an actual meal.
That is what Mr. Android feels like for me. He is the warm and actual meal that I am craving because it is actually satisfying.
After all these sexy sessions with delicious men, on my drive home I couldn’t help myself but think about Mr. Android. And Dan. And my crush. The men I cherish on another level.
When I am around Mr. Android, this is what it feels like he is telling me: I know I just met you, but I see you. The real you. And I just want to be near everything that you are.
When I am around my crush, this is what it feels like he is telling me: Everything you do and say feels medicinal to me, even if I am not always on the same page. Fuck all those idiots who don’t get you.
When I am around Dan, this is what it feels like he is telling me: Even if I can’t be everything for you, I want to be everything I can be for you.
There is a common thread here: I crave being around people who can’t help themselves but see me and appreciate me for who I am.
And the beautiful part about it is that I see them for who they are, too. It’s like two puzzle pieces coming together at the perfect time.
For a moment, I hesitated writing about Mr. Android at all because I am still waiting. I’ve only spent a few hours with him. But the reason I am writing about him is that what I am feeling where I am right now feels just so raw and true to me at the moment.
I also want to resist this culture of sharing things only when some benchmark has been achieved. There was a part of me that was like, well you should wait until you actually make this relationship official.
But the reality is, that day may never come.
But that doesn’t mean that where I am right now isn’t real.
Even if our relationship never came to fruition, Mr. Android has already gifted me with a whole potpourri of emotions that I simply did not expect. I got to see unvarnished and unexplored corners of who I am. Even the childlike parts of me that fell hard so easily.
The past few weeks has been magical, and I am so thankful to Mr. Android for it.
Even if I never get what I want, I still got to the brink of falling in love. And that is something that cannot be bought.
**
You can find more of me here: angela-han.com