When you fall in love with the wrong person
Every single person has experienced this, fam
Maybe it wasn’t necessarily love. Maybe you just really fell hard physically or emotionally for someone that was just not available in some way. Examples:
Co-worker
Boss
Direct/indirect reports
Client
Whomever you have a professional/business relationship with
Whomever you have an otherwise formal or designated relationship with (e.g., parents of your kids’ friends)
Someone outside of your committed relationship (if you’re not non-monogamous)
Someone who is in a committed relationship that is not non-monogamous
Someone who is emotionally unavailable the way you’d like (e.g., saying they want you but their actions don’t match their words from your perspective)
Someone who is physically unavailable (e.g., long distance)
So many examples of “wrong” people to love. I’ve been there many times.
If you are human being, I am willing to bet my bottom dollar that you’ve experienced this. Typically, here are the persistent thoughts and feelings you have towards yourself:
You must be insane.
Get over it immediately.
Something is wrong with you.
This is painful.
I need to “overcome” this asap.
Stop fantasizing.
Stop it.
😂
There is a whole soap opera playing in your head about how wrong everything is. And then we start spiraling around how we need to “do better” in some way. It’s bananas. And no one talks about it!
I mean, some people talk about it, but it’s usually like, “Let go.”
Ummmmm, not in my book.
Instead, I propose the following.
Step 1: Stop shaming yourself for having feelings.
If you really think about it, when we try to “forget about” the person we are crushing on, we are beating ourselves up for having feelings. It’s like beating ourselves up for crying about a sad movie. We don’t do that. There is no right or wrong reason to cry. We get to cry and be sad however and whenever we want. We get to feel desire and however we want. Period.
Fantasize away. Use your imagination. That is what your brain is for. It’s the most entertaining experience to imagine the wildest things that you would never say out loud.
So salacious. So yummy. So intoxicating.
Step 2: Identify what you like, and identify what you want more of.
You like this person because they are giving something to you. Maybe it’s a particular way they give you attention. Milk that shit. Get as much out of it as possible.
I call that connecting with that person. Talk to that person however you want whenever you want. If they don’t want to talk to you or won’t respond the way you want, at least you tried to connect with that person.
And the next time you get the opportunity to connect with that person on their own terms, you get to experience them again. You get to experience that unique form of attention that only they can give you. Let’s taste the deliciousness here.
Then you may find yourself wanting more of that attention. What is it about the attention that they give you that you like? What does it do for you? How does it make you feel? Really honor the juiciness of attention that you’re after.
Step 3: Get after what you want more of.
If it is attention that we want more of, there are two options here:
1- Specifically ask for the kind of attention you like from that person or create more opportunities to receive that from them. Maybe we’re gonna spend more time together crunching numbers (if it’s a coworker you’re into, for example).
Often times, this will not feel sufficient because communication is restricted if both parties are not on the same page about how y’all are feeling about each other.
2- So then look for that attention elsewhere. Some people are satisfied with more platonic friends who give them platonic attention. Some people want romantic attention. Some people just want some validation from their family or other loved ones around just how awesome they are. Some people just want some spiritual guidance with a spiritual mentor.
Sometimes we want some or all of the above.
Ask yourself: if I had permission to want whatever I want from whomever I want, what is really true about what I want?
It’s a hard question because we usually don’t like the answer.
When we don’t like the real answer, we typically go, “I don’t know.”
Sometimes we need to sit with the “I don’t know” for a minute to feel more comfortable with the real answer. Take the time you want and need.
If and when you do know, ask again: what if it was okay to want this? In fact, if it was essential that I get what I want, where would I go?
Of course, love and relationships cannot be simplified into a “3-step process.” But the point of this “3-step process” is that there are ways to channel the intense emotions we feel rather than trying to suppress them. That is the only point here.
Crushing is such a lovely and beautiful feeling. I think it can even be categorized into a hobby. Whoever said that knitting and board games can be the only kinds of acceptable hobbies?
Crushing makes me smile. It makes me swoon. It makes me feel tingles.
It lets me hear my heartbeat.
Who the FUCK said this is a wrong thing to experience?
Please, my love, experience the rawness and sweetness of hearing your own heartbeat.
Crush away. Love away. Get swept away.
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Find more of me at angela-han.com.